Recap of March Dinner Meeting
Thursday, March 13th, 2003

At the March 13th, 2003 Mercer NJAWBO meeting, experts Angela Dietch and Corrine Lagermasini spoke about self-defense strategies for women, an area in which both have provided training and instruction for several years.

During her talk, Ms. Dietch informed us that there are 6.2 million women-owned firms employing 9.1 million people, and generating trillions of dollars of profits annually. Ms. Dietch pointed out that twenty years ago, women owning their own businesses were pioneers. In 2003, we sometimes still forget that we are part of the American culture, with its traditional roles of male breadwinners and female homemakers. Everyone is not comfortable with us yet, including ourselves, she says.

What is verbal harassment and how are we going to handle it? If we have fifteen or fewer employees, the usual laws regarding harassment and having a policy about it do not apply to us women business owners, Dietch says. We as women business owners do not have the same coverage and protections that other women employees have. Harassment and discrimination must be distinguished from the culture of the business world which often is "crude, rude, or indifferent", says Dietch.

How do we respond when harassment occurs? Sometimes we are so dumbfounded we don't know what to do. In psychology classes, we talk about fight and flight, where there is a winner or a loser. In the fight response, one puts the other person in his place to get the last word, and either party may wind up winning or losing. In the flight response, you avoid the situation or the person, or pretend that it didn't happen, or you can ignore it. In flight, we talk about lose/lose. For example, if he is the client, he loses the kind of service or product you provide, and you lose the business you could have had. And we as women business owners may go away with that feeling that we didn't react well in the pit of our stomachs. As women, we often take the responsibility of the perpetrator and feel that we didn't handle it well.

Dietch says that there is a third choice--the win/win choice, and reviewed a couple of win/win techniques. We can learn to manage our responses, which are our behaviors, and which are not learned overnight. When Ms. Dietch learned to ski, she found that it took practice, and practice takes time and conscious effort. She encourages us to ask ourselves when dealing with a potential harasser: "Who is this person who is speaking to me, an older person from a different generation or culture? Do you remind him of his daughter, niece or social acquaintances? Are his actions designed to get your attention? Response?" Dietch says that how you identify this person is how you see the person, and helps you identify the filters you see through. Maybe this person reminds you of your brother-in-law. Dietch says that our interpretation is colored by the baggage that you carry.

There are no bad choices about how to respond, and there are consequences for all of the choices. Ask yourself the result that you are looking to achieve. Your goal in business is to be profitable and to stay in business, so you will have to interact with others to be profitable. What can you do is to re-frame the situation. You can de-sensitize yourself to repeat the behavior so that it's not so terribly offensive. Or you can demonstrate that you are knowledgeable or skillful in the area of your business. Learn to play the game, says Dietch. Some women get to be equipped for every possible skill in their vocabulary, e.g., asking if I can bring my husband along, or mentioning that my boyfriend wouldn't like it.

Dietch coached us as to what to say if the harassing behavior is truly offensive and we'd like to deal with it on an adult level. The general form of the response is: "When you do X, I feel Y" followed by your asking for the behavior to change. For example: "When you tell dirty jokes in the office, I get angry, and what I want you to do is to stop." Several women in the group modeled the behavior that Angela demonstrated, and got feedback. Dietch says that it's important not to say please, and to ask for the behavior you'd like. You are a woman, sensitive, and an entrepreneur. And you have choices, Dietch asserted.

Corrine Lagermasini, a WAVE instructor, teaches easy-to-learn, self-defense techniques and Corrine has been working with them for several years. WAVE was started back in the 70s as a curriculum based on how women are typically attacked and research on what works and what doesn't work. Research has been done that says women who fight back are much more likely to get away from the situation unhurt. Several techniques are even better. Exceptions are domestic violence and situations involving a weapon. We need to get over the idea of not doing anything, or being afraid of the consequences.

You don't have to be a karate expert to have self-defense skills. As women, we can lie or talk our way out. We need to think of ourselves as worth defending. The most important self defense skill is our fear, and referred us to the book, "The Gift of Fear". Our senses are constantly taking in information, like, something's wrong, someone's standing too close, eliciting our fear response, which can feel like having butterflies in our stomach. We need to listen to that response of fear. As women we tend to discount our instincts, which is a natural tendency. We can't say what's wrong, we just know that something is wrong. What does fear feel like in our body? Learn to identify that feeling and to trust that response. We want to say that that person is good, so the sooner we can identify that feeling of fear, the sooner we can respond to that feeling in an appropriate manner.

All the physical actions in WAVE classes involve yelling. Shout "CALL 911!", not "FIRE!", and give someone a directive, such as stop, get back, or go away. Yelling is from our diaphragm, deep, and loud, and long. Yelling and breathing helps to get you back in the moment so that you can respond to the situation. Ms. Lagermasini taught us a number of physical strategies, including a self-defense stance, a block to protect our heads, the "Palm Hill" strike, the front snap kick, a front choke release, and the identification of targets and weapons.

WAVE offers two- and six- week classes, and is looking for new instructors, donors, and opportunities to come out and speak. Attendees ended the evening by yelling a loud, resounding "YES".

- Josephine Giaimo, VP Marketing
  NJAWBO Mercer Chapter